Today is Day 5 of my 30-Day Blogging challenge and today’s topic might be one of the more difficult ones. The topic for today is: your parents.
TRIGGER WARNING: Mental Illness, Self-Harm
As I’ve talked about before, my relationship with my parents is complicated to say the least. My relationship with my mom is getting better, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely not completely healed. My relationship with my father is… well, we tolerate each other but that’s about it.
I came out to my parents during my freshman year of high school. If you read some of my earlier posts, then you know that it went horribly. Lots of horrible things were done and said. I can remember my mother crying, wondering where she went wrong with me. I can hear my father telling me that it was unacceptable, he was disappointed in me, and that I might cause him and my mother to get a divorce.
I wasn’t allowed to leave the house except to go to school for months at a time and this went on for about 3-4 years. I wouldn’t have a phone, or computer, or any way to see my friends either. My parents couldn’t understand why I was so depressed and why I was “making such a big deal out of.” They couldn’t figure out why I wanted nothing to do with them.
I think my mom finally realized how badly she was destroying me. There were a few times that she saw the scars on my arms and legs and she would ask me about them. Of course, I would always make up some bullshit excuse and quickly change the subject. Just last year, I finally opened up to her about my depression and anxiety and she helped me to find a therapist.
We have had a few talks where she has apologized for the way that she has been to in the past. She has made it clear that she will love and accept me no matter what. I wish she would have said all of this sooner lol… but better late than never I guess?
Like I said, our relationship is getting better but it isn’t completely healed. It’s still hard for me to open up to her and trust her with things. I don’t know that I’ll ever be comfortable with being myself around her.
Now let’s move on to my father… Where to start on him? I used to be a daddy’s girl growing up; he was my favorite person in the world. It’s so crazy to think about when looking at our relationship now. We’re civil and we tolerate each other for the family’s sake, but that’s about it. He’s tried to act like it never happened and like we’re fine but I refuse to let him get away with the way he treated me.
He has shown me everything I would never want in a man. He’s racist, misogynistic, homophobic, and just an all around asshole. Mom makes jokes about how much I don’t like him because we all know it’s true.
I don’t see my relationship with him ever really getting better. It’s sad but it’s the truth. I refuse to let someone degrade me and make me hate myself and then try to act like it never happened; not once has he ever apologized for what he did. He may be my father, the man that helped create me, but he is no dad to me.
“Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place we find the deepest heartache.” – Lyanla Vansant.
Sometimes family isn’t everything.