Date Yourself First.

Well, hello there! It is now Day 6 of my 30-Day Blogging Challenge. I am proud of myself for sticking to it as long as I have (I tend to give up on things like this pretty quickly). Today’s topic is a really fun and empowering one: Single and Happy.

I have been single for quite some time now but it hasn’t always been a thing that I was happy with. Let me give you a little backstory about my past relationships:

I was in a three-year long relationship throughout high school. Let me be the first to tell you: it was a very emotionally unhealthy relationship. I was at a rough time in my life so I was very susceptible to manipulation. There was a lot of cheating, emotional abuse, lying, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. On top of all that, she had it ingrained into my mind that I needed her and that I wouldn’t be able to be with anyone else.

Fast forward to my senior and she broke up with me to get engaged to the girl she was cheating on me with. I was left completely broken. Not long after, I got into another, much shorter relationship. I didn’t want to be alone; I hadn’t been alone in years so I got with the first person I could find (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds). Let’s just say it was even worse than the first one and I am not proud of it at all. She went to jail twice while we were together for abusing her ex, she constantly picked fights with me, and she loved to try to convince me to change my look so I would look more like her ex. We broke up after about three months so naturally she told me that I was a psychotic bitch and needed to die. She, then, proceeded to stalk me for months after the breakup to the point where I wasn’t allowed to be by myself at all when I was at work just in case she showed up.

Here I am, 3 years later, single and completely at peace with it. Through all of this time of being single I have really been able to find myself. I was finally able to accept that I was attracted to women, men, and nonbinary folks. I even got to explore my own gender and learned that I really identify as Genderfluid. I have found my calling in life, started this blog, learned to love the world, and embraced the positive impact of living a mindful life. 

I am taking the time to work on my mental health and am now over a year clean of self-harm. I am recovering from all the trauma that I have experienced since childhood. I’m rekindling relationships with the people that I abandoned while I was in those relationships. I am learning to love myself and my body because I am beautiful no matter what anyone else says. 

I also get to decide what my attention and time goes to. If I want to spend an entire weekend in my pajamas while binge watching Buzzfeed Unsolved, then I can do it and not have to worry about anyone. I don’t have to worry about what someone else is doing and can focus on myself. I can finally be selfish, but in a good way.

Don’t get me wrong: I would love to be in a relationship but I’m not going to force or rush myself into one. It has taken so long for me to heal and even be ready to date again so I don’t want to end up in another unhealthy relationship that will undo all of my hard work. It will happen when it is time for it to happen.

I am single. I am happy. Yes, I am falling in love but for the first time… it’s with myself.

Love yourself first, everyone else can wait.

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